Big Girl Mommy Face

My DS had his first school fieldtrip this past Friday. It was to a place with water and I was concerned that there wouldn't be enough supervision. Instead of asking the school about how well they would be watching the kids I decided to ask if I could meet them there so I would be able to be a part of it. I was told no! WHAT???? Why would they say no?? I don't get it. How can they tell me no? Its a public place! I wasn't asking if I could go on the bus or take part. I just wanted to keep an eye on my DS. He is only 5. Am I crazy? Do I need to just cut the cord? Why do I always feel like something bad is gonna happen to my kids if I am not in control.
Well I was fuming. Millions of ideas were rushing through my head. What am I going to do? Should I fight with the school? Should I just keep him home that day? Should I talk to other parents? Finally I came up with an idea. Friday morning I went in to get my DS up for school and when I gave him a hug I said, "Oh, no! I think you have a fever!" He looked at me so sad and said, "does that mean I am sick?" "Yes honey! I think you gonna have to stay home from school." Just then I felt like the biggest jerk. What am I doing? Why am I taking this experience away from him. He was so excited about his fieldtrip and I was the reason he was so dissapointed. I quickly ran to the phone and called my sister. I explained what was happening and all of a sudden I heard her say, "You've got to be kidding me!!!!!!!" I couldn't tell if she was on my side or totally against me. So I say, "No, am I being stupid? "YES!" she screamed. She went on to tell me yet again how crazy and over controling I was being. She said kids have been going on fieldtrips since the beginning of time and I needed to let it go. Could I do that? Could I really just let my DS go on a bus with a bunch of virtual strangers and hope they watch him well enough so he doesn't drown? The answer was, NO! BUT I had to. So with a huge lump in my chest I went into his room and told him I made a mistake. He didn't have a fever and he needed to get ready for school. I put my big girl mommy face on and told him how much fun he was gonna have on his fieldtrip. Seeing the excitement in his face was worth it. He stood tall and proud. He was so excited to be doing a big kid thing at school. I did find myself going over some safety rules with him on the way to school but all in all I think I did the right thing for him. As a mom I want to protect my kids. I guess I need to find the line between protecting and smothering. I don't think I am the only one who struggles with this but I do know that I always feel very alone when I do.

Welcome to Because I Said So

I finally said it. Those 4 words we hated to hear as a kid. "Because I said so!" I was working on getting dinner ready last night. Every counter was covered, the sink was full and the more I cooked the more I realized I was making a mess I didn't want to clean up. I thought to myself....this is why I don't cook! Frustrated and feeling like a failure I decided to give up on cooking ever again and just make it through this one last meal and mess. Just then at the peak of my frustration my DD came stumbling in holding 5 things of paint and a bunch of papers falling all over the floor. "Mommy, can we paint?" OMG! I thought to myself. Is she really doing this to me? With my body full of frustration I snapped....."Does it look like it's a good time to paint?" Right away I see the look of confusion in her face. Of course it's a good time to paint in her eyes. Why wouldn't it be? Then I notice this sad little face looking at me, confused by my response to her question. Instead of feeling bad for her I get more frustrated becasue she is still standing there for some reason. I guess my response wasn't an actual answer so I quickly said, "No, you can't paint! Well, we all know what came next.........."WHY?" Well that was all it took. I spun my head around, looked her staight in the eyes and said, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". Yikes! Did I really say it? I couldn't have. I always told myself I would never say those words. But there it was floating through the air right into my little girls ears. It was in that moment that I realized I needed to stop trying so hard to be a perfect mom and wife. There is no such thing.....so why try?